Miss Bea Heyvin

variations on a snood

2012-02-18T10:29:00.004-05:00

You know when fashion people say things like, "Gray is the new black," or "Size 6 is now the new size 10". So, let me just try this out...erhumm.

"The snood is the new pashmina."

...remember, you heard it here first. (smirky grin)

So I'm thinking about how to capitalize on this snood thing by developing my own variations...for example:

For men--The Dude Snood
When you go to the grocery--The Food Snood
During menstruation--The Mood Snood
After a shower--The Nude Snood
When you want to be ignored--The Rude Snood

(Honestly, I think I just like saying the word 'snood'.)

Anyway, just a heads up, the snood is coming in spades to a store near you. I've seen a few this season, but if the runways of New York are any indication, the snood will be a must have for fall/winter 2012. For the do-it-yourselfers, like me, click here to find a chunky knitted pattern for one.

Badgely Mischka

Nanette Lepore

Michael Kors

Pamela Roland

Rachel Zoe

Michael Kors

Badgely Mischka

Carmen Marc Valvo

To snood or not to snood, that is the question. Miss Bea

naeem khan...you brilliant little genius you

2012-02-15T12:27:00.000-05:00

If you haven't already, check out Naeem Khan's fall collection at New York Fashion week. Gorg-o-mongo!

feel the love

2012-02-14T01:41:00.001-05:00

Since it's Valentine's Day, how about some love from New York Fashion Week?

Diane Von Furstenberg

Donna Karan...mwah!

Jenny Packham...xoxo

St John

Thakoon

Chadwick Bell

Monique Lihuillier

Monique Lihuillier...be mine!

Hugs and kisses! Miss Bea

dear diana ross

2012-02-13T11:02:00.002-05:00

Diana Ross, 2012 Grammy's red carpet

Diana sweetie...I have one thing to say to you...

Stop in the name of love, before you break my heart. Think it o-o-ver.

Christian Siriano, Fall 2012 Collection

You're Diana Ross for heaven's sake! Dress like the diva we know you are. If you need a stylist...come see about me, Miss Bea

ladies of the GOP

2012-02-07T12:36:00.005-05:00

If you live in the US, you'd have to live under a rock to not be fully aware that there is an election coming up in 2012. I'm especially tired of the glut of political snarkiness that has been going on in the GOP. If you are a Republican...you have to be scratching your head thinking, "Really? This is the best we could come up with"? It's a sad state of affairs when your choices are between a leech and a letch, and I'll let you figure out which one is which.

Anyway...I've been looking alot at the potential first-ladies. As Jim Carrey so aptly put it, "Behind every man is a woman rolling her eyes". So true. So...kind of thinking about how they have a subtle way...or not so subtle way...(yes Callista, I'm talking about you) influence on their candidate husbands. Is there a possibility that a man could appear or not appear more presidential according to how his wife appears? And if so, when does 'said wife' go from plain jane to "hey here's the number of a stylist go get yourself tweaked and start looking like a first lady"?

In case you think I'm totally off my meds, take a look at Michelle Obama when she was a mere senator's wife.

Big dif right? There have been multiple articles written about her eyebrows. One such discussion pontificated that her "angry eyebrows" could cost Obama the election. Seriously people? A brow adjustment is the reason he got elected?

Well, enough of that...you get where I'm going. So here are the GOP wives final four. It will be interesting to watch the making of a first lady as it gets closer to a GOP front runner being confirmed and chosen.

So, here we have Anne Romney. My guess is that they will take away all her Talbot catalogues and call in the hair squad...who will immediately take her shorter and darker in color. I'm predicting her hairstyle will change to something like this.

Kate Capshaw

And then there was Carol Paul...

Oh dear. She could be the poster child for JC Penney. Someone please 911 Barbara Bush.

Karen Santorum. If Coldwater Creek and J. Jill had a love child...this is what it would look like. I'm also predicting a shorter hairstyle and one that will allow her natural curl to 'be free'.

Blythe Danner

All of the above would do well to buy some classic basics...like a wrap dress, an LBD, great trench coat, black kitten heel pumps and a variety of accessories like scarves and necklaces. Wardrobe items that are somewhat tailored and non-descript, but could be accessorized to make them look different.

Styled for Karen Santorum, Carol Paul and Anne Romney by Miss Bea Heyvin

And then we have...dum dum dum dummmmmmmm...

Callista Gingrich...who I think think's she's the one running for office. Step away from the podium Callista.

No seriously sweetie...we just need you to take a couple steps back so you're not in the shot.

No really. Just back up. All of the other candidates wives stand in the background to focus all the attention on their spouse.

Now don't get in a snit about it. People aren't here to see you, they're here to see Newt.

O good grief...she's like Hillary on steroids.

Anyway...I'm not sure what's going on with her hair or clothing. Both are so severe that she looks like she's going to crack any second. Unlike the other wives who are a bit too casual, I think Callista needs to take some Xanax and loosen up a bit.

She should go back to her old hairstyle. Look how much prettier it was...soft and feminine as opposed to the helmet head thing she's doning now.

Okay...we get it. You have a suit in every color. blah blah blah... Which just accentuates this "tighter-than-a-skeeter's-arse-in-a-nose-dive" type of public persona. I would love to see her in some less structured silhouettes. Ruffles, pleated or flowing skirts...still tailored, but visually softer and more feminine. More Jackie-O and less Cruella Deville.

Styled for Callista Gingrich by Miss Bea Heyvin

Whether you win or lose, in the end, it's always about who has the cutest shoes. Miss Bea

Miss Bea Heyvin's SAG Fashion Awards

2012-01-30T22:27:00.001-05:00

The Screen Actors Guild (SAG) Awards were last night. How many of these shindigs are these people going to do? They really should think about combining everything. Maybe it could be called the "Saggy Golden Oscar Awards"...hmmm...why does that conjure up images of Hugh Hefner?

...excuse me for a sec while I try to purge that from my mind. Ick.

So, without further lahdeedah-ness, allow me to present the 2012 Miss Bea Heyvin SAG Fashion Awards. Brought to you by...uhhhh...I guess that would be me. erhum...

For "Trying Way Too Hard To Be Noticed", the award goes to...

Lea Michelle!!! Congrats sweetie! Too bad Desperate Housewives isn't still in production. You'd be a shoe-in...for the desperate part.

For "Most Likely To Have Pilfered A Dress From The Old West Exhibit at the Smithsonian", the award goes to...

Glenn Close! Love you Glenn, but unless you're playing Miss Kitty in a remake of Gunsmoke, leave the corset and the Colt 45 in the wagon.

For "Best Impersonation of the 1980's", the award goes to...

Meryl Streep! Maybe if you pretended to play Anna Wintour in a movie you'd morph into dressing better? Oh wait...

...never mind.

For "Most Likely To Be Voted Cute As A Bug's Ear", the award goes to...

Emma Stone! Bravo my dear, bravo!

And finally, if you're a plus size gal and you want to know how it's done...

BAM! This my friends is how it's done! Octavia Spencer...you rock! Miss Bea

oh what fun!

2012-01-26T11:37:00.000-05:00

Check out Tommy Ton's latest street style slide show at the 2012 Spring Couture shows in Paris. It's just a 'ton' of fun...(cheezy smirk).

oz-tentatious

2012-01-25T12:24:00.002-05:00

I know this will sound a bit out of character for me, but I kind of like the Osbourne's. Not the television show mind you...and not so much Ozzy...(although he is growing on me the older he gets)...but I'm referring to mum Sharon and her spawn, Kelly. If you haven't caught Kelly on "Fashion Police"...

...yes people...I watch Fashion Police...get over it...

Anyway, Kelly on "FP", she's quite astute and entertaining. Of course that may be solely due to the fact that I would buy dog poo if someone with a British accent were selling it.

So I usually don't have the Osbourne's on my fashion radar, but lately...yowza...like, what is with Kelly's hair?

She went from blond to...terrier taupe to Anderson Cooper white in a matter of a couple weeks. Sweetie...pick a color and stick with it before all your hair falls out.

So between the People's Choice Awards and the Golden Globes, the Oz-ettes have had quite of bit of red carpet time. And I have to say that it was all a bit Cirque d' Soleil for me.

If you used a bedazzler on a potato sack, this is pretty much what it would look like. So let me tell you what's going on here. When you're young and your estrogen is flowing, you really don't think much about aging body parts that are totally out of control and doing their own thing. The last time my husband and I went to a formal event, I searched everywhere to find an evening gown that would support and cover everything. Trust me...it's near to impossible. I was so desperate, I almost bought a turtleneck to wear under a strapless dress.

...well...maybe not that bad, but you get the idea. You want to cover your arms because you've suddenly become aware that every time you wave at someone, the extra skin on the back of your arms is hitting the person's face next to you. Your 'decollete' has more creases and age spots then a map of the moon and your tatas...well, don't even get me started on those. More often then not, when you lay on your back, they're nestled under your arm pits.

...it is NOT pretty, people.

Anyhoo...this dress just doesn't do anything for her. It needs to nip in a little at the waist...maybe a boatneck, sheer sleeve and a modest slit to show a little leg. Since she's so petite, I would actually put her in a to-the-knee cocktail dress like this.

So on to the Golden Globes...it gets a little better, but the fabric choice on this dress is way too toile-esque. With some modifications, I think this Carlos Miele gown would have been lovely on her.

And then there was Kelly.

This gown from Andrew Gn might be a little too old for her, but at least it looks more like a gown and not a tear-away athletic suit.

I like that she wore blue to the Golden Globes, but the fabric on the Zac Posen gown just didn't photograph well. And it's kind of a fussy gown. Looks great on the runway, but in real life, it's impossible for the bottom to not look like a wadded up mess. Reese Whitherspoon wore a Zac Posen red dress and had the same problem. I would have selected the Peter Som dress...very youthful, a little sexy with the leg showing and the fabric had such a beautiful drape to it.

Here's the Zac Posen gown under all the right circumstances. Some dresses just don't translate well to the red carpet...and this would be one of them. Stunning though. If you want to see more of his 2012 collection, click here. It's SO worth it!

Alas the time has come for me to actually do some 'real' work...well maybe 'real' isn't the best word...how about 'paying'...$$$...so I best skedaddle for now. xoxo, Miss Bea

gorgeousness at the globes

2012-01-18T11:47:00.000-05:00

You know...I think I've been a bit surly as of late. And I really don't want to always be a "Bitter Bess", so I thought I would at least acknowledge some of the gorgeousness, albeit few, but nonetheless there were some breathtaking stunners at the Golden Globes. Here are my picks:

Charlize Theron in Dior Couture

Kate Beckinsdale in Roberto Cavalli

Madonna in Reem Acra

Just call me Little Miss Sunshine, Miss Bea

Ugful

2012-01-16T12:51:00.005-05:00

ug' ful (uhg-fuhl); the amalgam of the words 'ugly' and 'awful'. As used in a sentence: The fashion at the Golden Globes last night was 'ugful' to infinity x 2.

...whoa...and that's my opinion after a good night's sleep, 3 cups of coffee and a humongo bowl of Captain Crunch cereal...with fat free milk of course because I am trying to cut back. But seriously, it looked like a bad remake of the movie '27 Dresses'. The last time I saw that many bridesmaid dresses in one place was when Bridalrama had a 2fer sale down at the Vets Memorial. It's almost like everyone wore their "Plan B" dress and they're saving the good stuff for the Academy Awards. I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'...you don't have to be a chicken to know when it's a rotten egg.

Alot of fashion insiders thought this was gorgeous. I don't get it. It seemed really contrived to me. I never thought I would say this, but Angelina sweetie, stick with black. Yes it's boring, but at least it's not this. The one thing I will say that is positive about this dress is at least if you get a lipstick smudge on the collar, you won't have to make a mad dash to the ladies room with your Tide-To-Go pen.

Elie Tahari. I'd love to see AJ in this.

Alot of ivory and blush on the red carpet this year. I don't mind soft neutrals...I think they're very classic and elegant. I just would have chosen different dresses.

Nicole Kidman in Versace...blech. Lace dress by Bibhu Mohapatra

Nicole Richie...yawn. This Emilio Pucci sheath would have been beautiful.

Kate Winslet...yuck-a-duck. I would have picked this ivory gown by Giambattista Valli for her.

*Just a little fashion tip to put in your back pocket. Dark reduces and light enlarges. So let's say your nether regions are a tad...uh...robust? Either go totally monochromatic or dark on the bottom and light on the top. Capisce?

And then someone who should have worn ivory and didn't.

Michelle Williams...bless her little vintage soul. Talk about a drapery panel waiting to happen.

This Valentino would have been so cute on her.

And now to the color portion of our show.

Natalie Portman. This fuschia gown by Martin Grant has a more modern clean silhouette.

Sarah Michelle Gellar in Monique Lhuillier. Navy gown by Jason Wu.

I usually love anything Monique Lhuillier designs, but this just looks like a drop cloth from my last painting project. I luuuuuuuv the Jason Wu dress. It would have looked gorgeous on SMG.

Reese Witherspoon. Red belted dress by Donna Karan.

"Oh hey y'awl. I saw Britney Spears at the KFC yesterday and she gave me some stylin' tips on my har and lent me this here dress. I think I'll go to the car show after this and see if I can get some work."

...alot of people thought this was a perfect choice for Reese, but I totally disagree...and I can do that, because...well, because it's my blog...see how that works? It's a beautiful thing to be queen. =)

Debra Messing. Black tulle gown by Badgley & Mischka

Tons and tons of fabric...it just seems like this adds so much visual weight to her. Doesn't Rachel Zoe usually style Debra Messing? I think maybe it's time for a little change in the lineup. The Badgley Mischka gown...how va-va-va-licious is that? I think this would have been a show stopper on her.

...so, I've run out of time, but check back in later...the Osbourne's...oh my...I think Ozzy may be styling them. Stay tuned, Miss Bea.

dear steven tyler

2012-01-07T10:24:00.002-05:00

I just want to thankyou for single handedly catapulting 'working out' as my number one priority for the rest of my life. Dream on...Miss Bea.

Styled for Steven Tyler by Miss Bea Heyvin

dear julianne moore

2012-01-04T11:43:00.001-05:00

You would think after all this time of following celebrity street fashion that I wouldn't be surprised by this, but every time it happens, I'm flummoxed. I mean really Julianne...you actually thought you could leave your home...zip to the neighborhood market without someone taking a picture? Are you daft? Even I know that I can't run out to the mailbox in my camo jams and bed head without every neighbor within a 10 mile radius driving by my house at the same unfortunate time.

My friend, Margaret Mary Louise has a list of grocery staples taped to the inside of one of her kitchen cabinet doors. On the list are all the items she thinks should be in her food pantry all the time. You know...like flour, sugar, evaporated milk, peanut butter, sardines...[involuntary gag]...yes, sardines. Like I said, it's HER list, not mine. Anyway, if I were a celebrity...which I'm not...but if I were, I think I would have a wardrobe checklist...you know, standard wardrobe items that are always in the closet. So that when let's say, you need to walk the dog or run to the market for a can of..."sardines"...you can just pull these items and know, with confidence, that you'll look presentable if there are any paparazzi lying in wait outside your door. For example:

Trench coat
Black leggings
Black turtleneck or white tee
Wide brim hat
Dark sunglasses
Neutral flats or boots (neutral as in black, dark gray, dark brown...it's important to define because neutral to Lady GaGa and neutral to Anna Wintour...well, you get the idea...)
Variety of scarves

All the pieces would probably be non-descript, because heaven forbid you wear a Burberry trench and end up inadvertently advertising for them without the benefit of getting some type of remuneration.

It doesn't seem like it would be all that difficult, right? Is it me, or is it them...Yea...pretty sure it's them. Miss Bea

Styled for Julianne Moore by Miss Bea Heyvin

my top 10 fashion resolutions for 2012

2012-01-03T12:08:00.004-05:00

I know you've all been waiting with anticipation for my list of fashion resolutions for 2012...

[insert the sound of uncomfortable silence here...]

...just humor me people, okay?

My number TEN fashion resolution for 2012 is...

...not wearing my husband's gold toe socks with open toe shoes.

Number NINE...Nordic leggings.

Unless you yodel for a living or own a pair of lederhosen, I see no reason to ever buy a pair of these.

Number EIGHT...fake animal hats.

...who in their right mind ever thought this was a good idea. Where's the ASPCA when you need them?

Number SEVEN...statement skirts.

"Hey look everyone, I bumped into someone and my airbags went off".

My number SIX fashion resolution for 2012...

First of all, when you get to be my age, it goes without saying that for the betterment of society, you just don't wear shorts anymore. But, if you're going to do this, why not just wear a pair of jeans? I mean, really...can you imagine how long it takes to go to the bathroom?

Numero FIVE-O...

...substituting bed linens for clothing. Resourceful, yes. Fashionable, no.

Number FOUR...high waisted jeans.

Here's a factoid straight from the "Wow...I really didn't want to know that" file. If I were to wear a pair of high waisted jeans, I would have to go up 2 waist band sizes in order to accomodate "the girls"...because that's where they are hanging out these days.

My number THREE fashion resolution for 2012 is... not mixing prints.

I don't think I'll be trying this...I'm getting a migraine just looking at it.

Number TWO is...

...none of the above.

And, my number ONE fashion resolution for 2012 is...[drumroll please]

No pants. I figure since clothing manufacturers seem to be unable to produce pants for women with curves, I see no reason to wear them anymore. Stay tuned...I'll let you know how that works out.

Should old acquaintance be forgot...Miss Bea

trumps pandora

2012-01-02T20:43:00.000-05:00

Okay...like I need one more piece of jewelry. Good grief. Well, here it is...this is now my latest obsession. I just ran across this line of jewelry called "Waxing Poetic" and arghh if I'm not besotted.

See? I said the word "besotted". Like that word was even in my vocabulary 30 minutes ago!

Anyway, look out Pandora or Chamilia or Trollbeads or whatever...I think you're about to be trumped.

Prices are moderately high...well, not like Tiffany's high, but pricey enough for sterling silver...especially the accessory pieces like chains and bracelets. But the charms and pendants run between $35 and $75, which isn't bad if you're only getting one or two...

or five...maybe...six...mmmm...okay eight...I'm only going to get eight...

sigh...I have my mother's Sarah Coventry gene.

Look at all this cuteness!!! Can you stand it?!!!

Pardon me...I need to go breathe into a paper bag for a couple minutes...Miss Bea

on the cheap for New Year's Eve

2011-12-30T11:59:00.002-05:00

I would have to say that New Year's Eve is not my favorite holiday of the year. Probably because it promotes some type of alcoholic bubbly rather than gravy...and of the two, I'd favor gravy shots with a mashed potatoes chaser hands down. So my perfect NYE would be to jump in my jams, have a bowl of cereal, watch "When Harry Met Sally" and be in bed before the clock hits midnight. Maybe some of my bah humbug can be blamed on simply the hassle I feel of trying to find something to wear. I'm not normally one to spend alot on wardrobe items that I won't get some decent use out of. So to drop some significant change on a sparkly evening dress, well first of all I would feel guilty, and then to assuage my guilt, I would have to justify the purchase by wearing it for the rest of my life...on NYE...to the grocery...cleaning the bathroom...you get the idea. And just so you know?...the older you get?...yea, the less return on your wardrobe investment. That's why you don't see many older gals sporting a $700 pair of glittery Loubs on bingo night at the home. That and the arch support is schlocky.

Anyway, most of us have stashed in our closet a little black dress or tee or skirt or pants that with a few inexpensive accessories can be transformed into a sparkly fun look for going out on the town. A little bling for not alot of buck can transform what you already have into something a little more party-worthy. So, here are a few ideas...from me to you. Hope 2012 brings you the best of all the things you love!

Sequin knit glove, Delia's $13
Lace & sequin headband, TopShop $15
Sequin tunic, Buckle $36
Sparkle scarf, Peacocks $3.50
OPI silver glitter nail polish, $8
Faux fur stole, Warehouse.co $27
Bow Belt, WetSeal $8.50
Sequin Pump, Baker's Shoes $50
Color block sequin skirt, Dressrail $10
Mixed bangle set, Tilly's $5
Sequin belt, WetSeal $8.50
Sequin bag, 9West $36

Voila! Safe partying everyone! Miss Bea =)

2011-12-26T00:43:00.001-05:00

Usually around a holiday, I'll make my rounds on Etsy to see what type of fashion shenanigans the creatives there have come up with. So last night, when I did a search on "holiday sweaters", it didn't even occur to me that there might be apparel for something other than human beings. I came across these pictures from Hoochie Poochie Couture that I just had to share. The sweaters are made from recycled materials and range in price from $45 to $55. The model's name is "Lucy" and God bless that little pooch for being such a good sport.

(...oh...I guess it would be important for you to know that the conversation bubbles on the pictures are my personal commentary...because as you are well aware...I do have an opinion that I just can't seem to keep to myself...)

Red Ruffled Neck Muff
Price $18

"Lucy loves to make a dramatic entrance. Super soft and slightly fuzzy, this over abundant ruffle is a party show stopper. Custom order one for yourself and you'll both make an entrance."

If I were Lucy and my human had put this on me...uhhhh, yea, I'd be looking to make big splash...

...by the entrance

...in the kitchen

...by the back door

...on the new carpet...

Wait for it...

Lucy, you're my hero, Miss Bea

dear jesse james

2011-12-18T14:40:00.002-05:00

If I might have a word...or two, allow me to quote Julia Roberts from the movie Pretty Woman...erhumm...

"Big mistake...BIG...HUGE!" Living well really is the best revenge, Miss Bea

don't ask don't tell

2011-12-16T11:20:00.004-05:00

I purged my closet this week.

Ahhhhh...such a good feeling.

All the pairs of jeans...5 to be exact...that I used to wear all the time, but for one reason or another have been demoted to the "I-might-wear-those-if-everything-else-I-own-is-in-the-laundry" jeans pile. So after filling a garbage bag full of clothes, I realized that, "Hey...I only have 2 pair of jeans left...I desperately need another pair!"

(there are days that I have moments of brilliance...however, this was not one of them)

So after work, I schlepped over to the mall to the White Black...House Market...(what-a-confusing name) store, because I'm kind of digging their jeans right now. Anyway, I found a pair of black jeans, on sale, first ones I tried, fabulous fit...ding, I'm done. (btw...if you've never shopped there, they do this irritating thing where they ask your name and proceed to write it on a little white board outside your dressing room and then use it ad infinitum...like you're now best friends. Next time I'm telling them my name is Yurra Two)

Anyway, I carry my jeans to the checkout and the sales associate asks, "Have you shopped here before?" And I know what's coming. Sure enough..."Oh I see we don't have an email address for you." "Yes", I say, "I'd rather not give it out." Then I get "the look"...and, "well, we send alot of special coupons through email to our loyal customers." "Mmmhmm, I'd really rather not give it out." "Well, you could do what I do...I just unsubscribe to all the emails that I don't want to get." "uhhhhmmmm...I think that's kind of what I'm doing right now...except it just saved both of us about 5 minutes."

Needless to say, I didn't get a sweet smile and a, "Thanks so much, please come back again" at the end of the transaction. So now I've decided I'm going to create a shopping t-shirt that says, "I don't give out my cel number or my email, so don't even ask unless you care to open a can of you know what on your big 'ol backside."

hrrrumph...Miss Bea

the tag goes in the back

2011-12-11T17:07:00.000-05:00

I have a friend...Margaret Mary Louise...who is a constant source of giggles for me. At the age of 70, she is a petite little Italian spitfire who (hands down) makes the best manicotti I've ever had in my life. Over the years, I've learned not to cross her or in her words, "I'll break your legs". I know that may sound horrifying, but when it's coming from this little wisp of a thing with a Brooklyn accent, you just have to smile.

Anyway, I was with her recently and she started to tell me that she thought she might have cancer. I, of course, was shocked and quite upset. She said that she had worn one of her favorite black skirts that morning and it wasn't fitting properly. It appeared that she had lost alot of weight because the skirt, that usually fell flat over her tummy, was now loose and baggy. We parted ways, me with a very heavy heart. So a couple days later, I checked back in with her to see if she had scheduled an appointment to see a doctor and she said,

MML:"No, why would I see a doctor?"
Me: "Uhmmm, well...because you've lost alot of weight and you're concerned about having cancer."
MML: "Oh that..."

Come to find out, she realized later that she had put her skirt on backwards...that's why it didn't fit right. And no, she wasn't dieing of cancer. (whew! what a relief!) She then proceeded to give me a little fashion tip that I'd like to pass along. She said, "You know, when you're getting dressed, you should always check and make sure the manufacturer tag is in the back".

Good tip.

Hey SJP? Little tip for you from my friend Margaret... =)

better than ambien

2011-12-10T23:25:00.003-05:00

For those of you who have not had the pleasure of plowing headlong into menopause, let me tell you...a picnic it is not. Here you are minding your own business, you turn 50 and suddenly you can't remember squat, you have hot flashes that could melt the polar ice cap and sleep...that wonderful thing that you used to be able to do at the drop of a hat, is now as elusive as a Macy's sales associate 10 minutes before closing.

All that to say, I would like to personally thank Angelina Jolie...I know...I know...many of you thought you would never see the day. But hey...give credit where credit is due, right? So I would like to say, "Angelina. Thankyou so much for your fashion choices as of late. You have single handedly given me what a ginormous poo-pile of Ambien could not...

...a really great snooze."

...yawn...I'm suhleeling a liddle fleepy...mmmhmmmm...

zZZzzzZZzzzZZZzzzzz...zZZzzzZZzzzZZZzzzzz...mrrtsa...zzzz..mumblezzzz...whhuhzzzz...bifflemgzzz...mmummblzzzzzz...

Styled for Angelina Jolie by Miss Bea Heyvin

do not try this at home

2011-12-09T09:57:00.000-05:00

Okay people...listen up. I held my tongue and didn't go on a frothing rampage about the whole 'wearing-pajama-pants-in-public' pandemic, and now look what's happened.

It's spreading like Kim Kardshian's arse-cheeks from the midwest to Hollywood to the runways of New York.

Lord have mercy. How difficult is it to drag your lazy butt off the couch and throw on a pair of jeans before leaving the house? And putting it on the runway? Puh-leez!!! As if people in the midwest need any more encouragement this time of year to wear anything that resembles a pup tent with an elastic waistband.

So...I feel it my duty...nay, my social obligation to cry out against the latest rash of fashion-trend-travesty...

...the Snuggie...

...in public...

Seriously LeAnn. Stop the madness. You're killing me.

Styled for LeAnn Rimes by Miss Bea Heyvin

crumb catchers

2011-12-06T09:48:00.002-05:00

Okay. This may be frightening to some of you, so I'm just warning you ahead of time. Occasionally I will allow people a glimpse into the tangential nature of my train of thought...so just be forewarned...there is a point coming...eventually.

So I was over at a friend's house and her little girl, who is almost a year old...which I can hardly believe...was, to my delight, allowing me to hold her while she gnawed and mangled a graham cracker. Well actually...several graham crackers cause I kept giving them to her so that she would let me continue to hold her. Hey...bribery, food or otherwise is not beneath me. Anyway, when I arrived home...I started getting ready for bed and as I was changing into my pajamas, I took off my bra and to my surprise, an assemblage of graham cracker crumbs fell to the floor. After I quit giggling, I started to wonder if that's where the fashion term 'crumb catcher' originated. Just an aside...for anyone who may not be acquainted with the term, 'crumb catcher', it's used in kind of a cheeky way to describe any bodice that has a ruffled or pleated detail. But what I didn't know was this little bit of mindless trivia...which will now be crammed into my cranium to be lost forever.

...sigh...I really despise getting older...

...anyway...what was I saying...uhmmmm...

...oh yea...trivia...

"Cumberbunds, also known as commerbunds, were traditionally worn with the pleats facing up. The purpose of this was to provide a place for the men wearing them to place tickets, papers or bills. The pleats provided a sort of pocket into which small items could be tucked. Some also claim that a cumberbund in the "pleats up" position functioned as a "crumb catcher" during meals. However, in modern society, the use of cumberbunds is completely aesthetic in nature."

If my husband wore one of these on a daily basis, the folds would be filled with golf tees, loose change and some McDonald's french fries.

Anyway, when I think of 'crumb catchers' and fashion, I automatically think of the queens of crumb catchers, Georgina Chapman and Keren Craig...masterminds behind fashion house Marchesa. Here are a few of their gorgeous, sometimes over-the-top, variations on a crumb catcher theme from the Marchesa 2012 spring collection. If I ever wore one of these, the crumb accumulation would be such as to probably get me mugged in the parking lot by every woodland creature within a ten mile radius. Ah well...enjoy the beauty that is Marchesa! Miss Bea

baubles, bangles and bling, oh my!

2011-12-04T01:29:00.001-05:00

Whoa. Christie's Auction House just put Elizabeth Taylor's jewelry collection on display. I think the last time I saw this much garish kitsch was when my Aunt Pearl got a Bedazzler for Christmas.

A couple things I found interesting:

A gold and ivory necklace featuring ivory opera passes, circa 18th and 19th centuries, a gift from the estate of Edith Head.

A charm bracelet given to Taylor by Richard Burton. One of the 20 charms is a locket that opens to reveal four medallions, each one engraved with the name and birthdate of one of Taylor’s children.

If you want to add a few baubles to your Christmas list or just see some of the collection at Christie's, click here. Although not my taste, I found it all really pretty fascinating. Bling-ba-da-bing! Miss Bea

bravo heidi klum

2011-11-30T22:36:00.004-05:00

This is when being in the 'red' is a good thing. I don't know if I could ever pull this off, but I absolutely fell in love with this when I first saw it.

Heidi Klum in Toronto at her "Shine" perfume launch

My guess would be that it also helps to be a gorgeous German supermodel!

I've done all black before, but I don't know that I have the chutzpah to go all red. It's gorgeous though, don't you think?

Come to think of it, there are other famous people who can get away with wearing all red.

Well, Supermodel or folklore phenomenon, you too can be seeing red for the holidays for well under $150 (see below).

Auf Wiedersehen liebchen's and a big holiday Ho! Ho! Ho! to you! Miss Bea

dear kirstie alley

2011-11-24T10:30:00.002-05:00

On a day when most Americans over-indulge in every artery-clogging fat-filled food on the planet, I just want to give a big shout-out to Kirstie Alley...who is looking the best she has in a long time. BRAVO girlfriend! I hope you keep the weight off and continue to take care of yourself, cause you look fabulous!

barf-o-rama

2011-11-21T00:12:00.000-05:00

What's it called when you kind of gag, and you have a little ka-ka that backs up and leaves an awful sour taste in the back of your throat?

...oh yea.

Gum anyone?

SJP...sweetie. I know you like to kind of push the fashion envelope, but this...this...whatever this is looks more like you raided the season one wardrobe room of Dancing With The Stars.

So, before stepping out again with some oddball dress/coat combination, it might be good to review a couple important tips:

1)Length. Pick one...either long or short, but not both.

2)Color. Same same. Mono y mono...as in chromatic.

3)Style. The coat can have a little more detail, but the dress underneath needs to be a simple shift with clean lines.

With the holidays coming up, I am super-duper busy. So be a love and cut out the crazy for a couple weeks. I need a break. Love ya, mean it! Miss Bea

what the hey at the CMA's

2011-11-16T12:37:00.001-05:00

The 45th Annual Country Music Awards were last weekend...

yee haw y'awl...

This is probably going to sound a bit 'uppity', but I guess I feel like I can say some of these things since I come from a long line of country bumpkins. That being said, I almost always feel that the ladies (and gents) of country music lean more toward tacky then glamourous (ie: Dolly Parton-The Queen of Kitsch). Kind of like the people in your neighborhood who own the most expensive house, but they have a dressed up cement goose by their front door. You know the ones. They can buy anything they want except good taste.

Probably the exception to the rule has been Taylor Swift. She's definitely broken the 'glam curve' in country music fashion. For a 22 year old, the girl has an exceptional fashion sense.

The dress may be a little over the top, but hey...go big or don't go at all, right?

Hillary Scott, from Lady Antebellum has had some hits and misses. Like this...which she wore the night before at the BMI awards.

As I've said before, black is definitely slimming, but...a ton of black is still a ton of black. Fast forward to the CMA's and she looks positively stunning! Bravo!!!

So, from the sublime to the ridiculous.

Reba, Reba, Reba...what were you thinking? I'm pretty sure I wore that exact same green velvet gown for my high school senior year Christmas concert...where the entire alto section managed to derail The Little Drummer Boy by "pa-rum-pa'ing" when we should have "pum-pummed." You're Reba McIntire, for heaven's sake! It's not like any fashion designers wouldn't swoon at the chance to have you wear one of their dresses on the CMA red carpet! Good grief woman...make some phone calls...throw some of that country diva weight of yours around.

By Pamella Rowland, Fall 2011

And then we have Faith Hill. She is so beautiful...I just don't understand how out of all the dresses in the world, this is the one that caught her eye.

From Chado Ralph Rucci, 2012 Spring Show

It's just so bleah. And the hair and makeup...ugh-a-rooney.

Even this other dress from Rucci's collection, with a little lining, would have been so much better.

...or this from Jonathan Saunders.

And last up...one of my 'regular offenders'...the always lovely, but terribly dressed, Martina McBride.

(to be sung to the tune 12 Days of Christmas) Satin...wrinkled...pants. Red shiny shoes. Green chandelier earrings...and a partridge in a pear tree.

...someone's stylist is asleep at the wheel...

Monique Lhuillier

Until next time y'awl...Miss Bea

dear david hasselhoff

2011-11-07T11:51:00.000-05:00

What is it about David Hasselhoff that makes my skin crawl? On my list of creepy men, he ranks right up there with Homer Simpson, Hugh Hefner and Barney Fife. hmmmm...I may have stumbled onto something there. Anyway, he's one of those 'whack-a-mole' celebrities that you forget about until they pop up at another red carpet event. Dude...you're 59 years old! It's time to burn your Baywatch shorts, say goodbye to your talking car and embrace the inevitable...like the rest of us, you too are getting older. No amount of chains around your neck, spray tanner or distressed Italian shoes is going to change and or hide that fact. Take your cues from someone like 63 year old Helen Mirren. You don't see her traipsing around in six inch stilletos and a little bitty bikini.

...oh wait...

...okay, well maybe that wasn't the best example, but you get where I'm going here. I feel your pain...really I do. Getting older stinks! Whoever coined the phrase 'golden years' was either already senile or selling Geritol door-to-door. Getting older is not for the faint of heart.

wow...I'm just a ray of sunshine today, aren't I? Me thinks someone had better chase that last cup of coffee with a few more 'happy meds', Miss Bea

Styled for David Hasselhoff by Miss Bea Heyvin

dear sarah jessica parker

2011-11-02T23:46:00.001-04:00

Hey SJP...not to alarm you, but I think Michael Jackson's old nose is trying to mate with your head.

"Sarah Jessica Parker wears a hat designed by Philip Treacy at the VRC Oaks Club Ladies Luncheon at Crown Palladium on November 2, 2011 in Melbourne."

You have to wonder sometimes if the designers of these things are laughing their heads off.

dear phylicia rashad

2011-10-27T11:33:00.002-04:00

Looks like the Huxtables have fallen on hard times.

Hey Phylicia...sweetie. The 1980's called and they'd like their shower curtain back.

...oy vey...

A couple of thoughts here:
1)When your shoulders and tata's are making a bee-line toward your waist, it's time to think about a good support bra and possibly borrowing some shoulder pads from your husband's old football locker.
2)Yards and yards of fabric isn't fooling anyone. When I was a child growing up, we had a dog named Puddles...I'll let you connect the dots on that one. Anyway, Puddles used to "do her dootie" near the backdoor and then push the welcome mat over it. She was a sweet dog, but not the brightest bulb in the marquis. Anyway, kind of the same deal here. All that fabric isn't hiding anything and actually drawing more attention to what's underneath then detracting from it. I think that just a more tailored sleeve and a shorter hemline on this dress would have made it a tad more attractive...but, not by much.

Styled for Phylicia Rashad by Miss Bea Heyvin

dear christina aguilera

2011-10-22T11:57:00.002-04:00

Looks like someone needs to quit super sizing their Mickie Dee's value meal. This definitely gives new meaning to the phrase, "the girl has chops"...

Oh dear...well, here's the deal. I don't have any problem with celebrities going a little chunkie-monkie...and for the most part, I applaud them for not bowing to the emaciated-body-image-standard that the fashion and entertainment industries hold sway over all of us. However, if you want to pack on the pounds, then my advice is, wear appropriate clothing! I for one really don't want to see anything that even remotely reminds me of a wildlife suet bag. I'm not trying to be mean, it's just that I find this outfit really unattractive and not at all flattering to her...uh...what's the word I'm looking for?...oh yea...assets.

Styled for Christina Aguilera by Miss Bea Heyvin

(as sung to the tune Lady Marmalade)
Gitchi gitchi peanut butter,
Gitchi gitchi cheesy fries.
Mocha chocolata, ya ya,
Watch it grow all over my thighs.

flora and fauna

2011-10-13T09:00:00.000-04:00

...a little kitsch to brighten your day. enjoy!

dear katie holmes-less

2011-10-06T11:45:00.000-04:00

good grief...obviously not the fastest hamster on the wheel.

Styled for Katie Holmes by Miss Bea Heyvin

freaky frightening fashion on Etsy

2011-10-05T10:54:00.000-04:00

Ah October...that time of year when every retailer is trying to cash in on Halloween. I thought it was about time that I took a stroll through Etsy (land of the equal opportunity crafter) and see what type of fall fashion I could find.

...whoa...talk about frightening...

Here we have the "Pumpkin Butt Skirt" for $25.99. And the description is equally as scary:

HAVE FUN AND DRESS IT UP OR DOWN
YOU CAN WEAR IT AS A SKIRT OR TOP ((massage me for any special request

/////SHOW OFF YOUR PUMPKIN BUTT////

Dress is up or down...hmmm. Is that even possible? And heaven knows, the last thing I want to do is have a big toothy grin bobbing up and down on my backside.

Impress your friends with your command of the English language in this $4 Halloween t-shirt. "...wouldn't borrow me her dress???" Grammar is so over-rated.

Quilted Halloween Cats Vest for $19.99. I know all of you from outside the U.S. will be relieved to know that this can be shipped internationally. woo hoo!

Ever say to yourself, "I wonder what I could do with 2 steel wool pads and my old black bra?"

...aaaaaand now you know. Yours for only $25. Wear it once and then use it to tidy up the kitchen. (safety tip: take the bra off before scrubbing last night's pot roast off your pots and pans...if you get my drift...that could get a little sensitive...)

Ghost Shredded T-shirt. $60.

Ever sit in a bar or go to a concert and catch an undeniably sexy girl wearing an absolutely unforgettable outfit who looks like she just didnt have to try so hard??? Thats the inspiration behind my shredded t's....
HAND shredded one of a kind t shirt
wearable piece of art...

uh huh...
...there's no way I could make this stuff up...

$30 bucks and here's the description:

norse Valkyrie hair clips feather wing fascinator halloween constume anime cosplay PAIR pink and purple

Wow these are just so cool. they look absolutely amazing in your hair. This pare is pink and each clip has 5 has long purple goose feathers. the base is made from custom hand cast resin. I try to alter the color a little every time I pore so they are never the same. making these a one of a kind creation. the metal barette backs are actually set into the resin so they will never pull out.

..."actually set in the resin"...whew...well that's a relief...wouldn't want to lose one of those. [insert my eyes rolling here]

oh my...it's a mad mad world out there, Miss Bea

it's here it's here it's here!!!

2011-09-25T15:23:00.000-04:00

I don't know why, but I just love this time of year when Pantone puts out their color forecast.

(insert the sound of crickets here...)

I know, I know...most people are 'whatever' about it...and I'm okay with that...I'm just sayin' that besides the start of Project Runway...and a Dairy Queen hot fudge sundae...oh...and pie...there's not much else that gets me this giddy. Oh...and shoes...I forgot shoes. Anyway, for those who don't know, a quick refresher.

(er-hum...)

"Pantone LLC, a wholly owned subsidiary of X-Rite, Incorporated, is the world-renowned authority on color and provider of color systems and leading technology for the selection and accurate communication of color across a variety of industries. The PANTONE® Name is known worldwide as the standard language for color communication from designer to manufacturer to retailer to customer."

Still not impressed? Okay, here's where it ties in for me. The muckety-mucks at Pantone attend New York Fashion week...see what colors are trending on the runways and then predict the top 10 colors all of us will be clamoring for next season. And they are almost always right on the money.

So without further adieu, the Pantone 2012 Spring Color Forecast! Yippee!

Tangerine Tango and Solar Power.

Designer Lyn Devon

Bellflower and Margarita.

House of Holland

Cabaret.

Graeme Armor

Sodalite Blue.

Zang Toi

Sweet Lilac.

Vera Wang

Cockatoo. (blouse)

Marc Jacobs

Driftwood.

Organic by John Patrick

Starfish.

Oscar de la Renta

I'm so excited...and I just can't hide it...Miss Bea

you wanna piece of me?

2011-09-23T22:55:00.001-04:00

I still have my Barbie's from childhood. When I told one of my friend that I still had about 25 pairs of matching plastic Barbie shoes, she said, "Matching shoes? My Barbies were lucky if they even had heads by the time I was done playing with them." Poor Barbie. She really should be the poster doll for abused toys. Case in point, designer Margaux Lange...who obviously has a deep seated resentment for the plastic phenom. When I saw these jewelry pictures*, I thought, "Egads. I haven't been this creeped out since Billy Swartzendruber turned his eyelids inside out in second grade. [shudder]

Warning! Not for the faint of heart...or legs...arms...ears...hands...you get the idea.

Breakin' up is hard to do, Miss Bea

*...thanks BeeJune for the heads-up on the pics...xoxo

take her...please

2011-09-21T23:34:00.000-04:00

I would like to go on record as saying, if any other country in the world would like to claim Britney Spears and keep her...I think I can speak for the majority of Americans that we would totally be okay with that.

what's the opposite of 'glee'?

2011-09-20T11:56:00.000-04:00

hmmm...the opposite of 'glee'...maybe sad? uh...joyless?...mmm...unhappy?uhhh...glee...(pause...the sound of rusty gears turning)
...oh wait...

uh-glee...UH-GLEE!!! yes!...yes! that's exactly it!

(whew...I feel so much better now that I figured that out.)

I don't mean to sound harsh, and maybe I'm the only one on the planet who feels this way, but I really didn't like the dress selections for Jane Lynch at the 2011 Emmy Awards. The fabrics looked cheap and shiny, the styling was circa 'mother-of-the-bride' and that first strapless dress...och!!!

Beautiful deep claret color, but when I first looked at it, all I could think of were the words to that old black spiritual, "Swing low, sweet chariot". Dang. Someone call 911-Playtex cause we have some boobs that have fallen and they can't get up.

Anyhoo...here are some options from designers Carolina Herrera and Monique Lhuillier (pre-fall 2011) that I think would have been a better direction to style her.

...swing low...sweet...ugh...now I can't get that out of my head, Miss Bea

someone has been sniffing way too much fabric glue...

2011-09-17T12:30:00.001-04:00

...oh my...after perusing hundreds of pictures from New York Fashion Week, I just had to share some of the looks that brought a smile to my face...and an ache to my side from countless moments of laughing so hard I couldn't catch my breath. If any of you have insight into why these designers are given a nod by the fashion world, I would love to know.

From Jeremy Scott...I affectionately call this show "The Ponderosa On Crack". Little Joe may have only had one outfit to wear, but I bet he's thankin' his lucky stars that it wasn't one of these. RIP Michael Landon.

I'm thinkin' this shot isn't going in his modeling portfolio.

"I got spurs that jingle jangle jingle...as I go riding merrily along..."

Thom Browne's show...all I can say is, "Dude, quit with the wacky weed already."

Finally...something I can actually wear to the office.

This is going to make for a tough bathroom break.

And Marc Jacobs...it's about time someone came up with a use for used Saran Wrap. Remember ladies, do not try this at home. This is for professionals only.

And after all that nonsense, a few things that I loved.

Ralph Lauren

Donna Karan

L'Wren Scott

oh to be a fly on the wall

2011-09-14T11:52:00.003-04:00

Nicki Minaj & Anna Wintour at Carolina Herrera
NY Fashion Week September 2011

AW: "I'm clapping and I have no idea why."

NM: "Oh...mmhmm."

AW: "Lady Gaga, right?...it's so nice to finally meet."

NM: "Uhhhh no. And if you have any sense in that bobbed gourd of yours, you'll shut your pie hole...mmhmmm...suh-nap."

AW: "Do you have any idea who I am?"

NM: "Honey...what I know is that you're wearing a dress that is a total yawn."

AW: "I beg your pardon?"

NM: "Girrrrl you heard me...yawn...snoozefest...b-o-r-i-n-g. My gramma wouldn't even wear that thing."

AW: "Well at least I don't look like the notions department at Joann's fabrics just vomited on my shirt."

NM: "What-evuh."

AW: "Cretin..."

NM: "Stiff neck crack-uh..."

helga zee shotpootter

2011-09-08T12:26:00.003-04:00

Hallo eveddyvahn. I em Helga, ooont I srow zee shotpooten.

Eeet may look like I em schmelling zee pickled herring, but I use my schtahnky leep ooont my icy schtair to poot zee fear een my competeetorz.

Och! I laff, ho ho, ven I zee my competeetorz. They crinch een fear ven I srow zee shotputten...I crush zem vis my leetle pinky finger.

Zee shotputten...eeet eees gone. No vahn kin finden eeet to practice.

I scoff at zee eeembeciles. Only I know ver I haf hidden zee shotputten.

Styled for Kate Winslet by Miss Bea Heyvin

Obviously, Ms. Winslet (aka Helga) has been working out. But when you're built like a brick house, the skin tight dresses, straight hair and non-descript makeup collide into quite a masculine severe look...at least, that's my opinion. Softer silhouettes, fabrics that move and drape would show off her toned physique much better than a bandage dress that looks like a sausage casing. And...basic makeup tip. Dark eyes-light lip. Light lip-dark eyes. Write that down and give it to your stylist. It's all about balance my little liebe schoen, Miss Bea

just loafin' around

2011-08-26T22:42:00.000-04:00

By Mia Nolen $59

No longer reserved to the flat variety, these loafer pumps and platforms are a great add to your fall wardrobe. Great shoe that moves seamlessly from day to evening. I'm in love with the Enzo's myself (see below)...I'm itching to get a pair!

A little penny loafer history from the penny loafer king, Ralph Lauren...

More than a century ago, Norwegian farmers first slipped on these styles—defined by the strap across the toe with a tab for the coin—to tend to their cows who were "loafing" out at pasture. It wasn't until 1930 that loafers entered fashion in the United States, as several shoe companies started producing American-made pairs—a tradition Ralph Lauren continues today—that became integral to the East Coast university look. The "penny" evolved from the 1940s and 1950s, when teenagers on dates would place a dime in their shoes (the price of a pay phone then) so they could call home for a ride. High schoolers later turned to copper-colored coins instead for a bolder statement, and style pioneers like James Dean and President John F. Kennedy helped popularize a more casual take on the loafer: worn without socks on weekends spent seaside. By the 1980s, this sockless styling (paired with pinstriped suits and tanned ankles) was key to the Ralph Lauren look that we still celebrate today.

don't burst my bubble

2011-08-13T10:11:00.002-04:00

You know, I'm more than a little creeped out by people who do balloon animals. You know the ones. They work every opening of a new Chucky Cheese restaurant and remind you of your burned out 7th grade gym teacher. I always look at them and think, "Wow, you can actually make a living doing this type of thing? Your parents must so proud." (I hope that doesn't sound snarky...) I'm pretty sure that if I would have said to my parents, "Hey, I'm thinking about spending the rest of my life twisting balloons into little animals"...they would have packed my bags and immediately purchased for me a one-way ticket to Looneyville.

So I'm bopping around on the internet and stumble across this 'balloon artist' who does 'balloon couture'...just typing that makes me giggle. Anyway, her name is Rei Hosokai, and she's kind of the Rembrandt of balloon buffoonery.

I know, right?!! It just goes to show that a little bit of ingenuity and a whole lot of hot air can catapult just about anyone into celebrity status in the world of art and design. Don't get me wrong. The woman has skills. Her dresses have sold from $1930 to $3860 and each dress lasts about 24 hours...unless you sit down...then...well, you're on your own.

Enjoy! Miss Bea

girls...we need to talk

2011-08-09T12:05:00.002-04:00

It has recently come to my attention that it might not be a bad idea to have "the talk"...you know the one...where your mom sits you down...

nervously nibbles at a nasty hangnail...

sighs in resignation...

and tells you the facts of life...

about leather pants.

Tyra Banks . Kim Kardashian . Katie Holmes

Yes. I'm talkin' unforgiving, yeast producing, bovine blistering luh-hea-thuh pants. So a couple fashion tips for anyone considering purchasing or wearing a pair...

er hum...

1)Unless Gisele Budchen loaned you her legs, or you have the petite little body of a Victoria Beckham, skip the leather jumpsuit and sink the money into a nice purse and support bra. Tyra-dear...yea, I'm talkin' to you.

2)If it looks like the cow is still in the leather pants after you've put them on, you might want to consider changing into some spanx and a caftan. Get the picture Kimmie?

3)If it even remotely appears that your leather pants may have been borrowed from your husband's side of the closet...either buy your own or wear some boots. Katie-buy a friggin' clue.

4)When purchasing leather pants, it's not a good sign if the cashier offers you a complimentary shoe horn, a tube of Vaseline and a 6 month supply of Vagisil. Just take that as a sign to put the pants back on the rack. Your vagina will thank you later.

Ladies...now listen up...not everyone looks good in everything. We all have figure flaws and figure "assets"...some of us larger than others. But hey, the key is not to bemoan the flaws, but to enhance the good. So, save a cow...the veganistas will love you! Miss Bea

Styled for Tyra Banks . Katie Holmes . Kim Kardashian
by Miss Bea Heyvin

dear tilda swinton

2011-08-02T12:26:00.002-04:00

This is kind of like modern art to me...or pate de foie gras...or bleu cheese...or caviar. I want to like it, really I do, but while everyone else in the room is oooing and aahhhhing or making yummy noshing noises, I'm the one in the corner thinking, "How is a ball of yarn in the middle of the floor art?" or "This tastes like goose poop on a cracker" or "I think this is moldy" or "Wow this is awful. It tastes like Fish-flavored PopRocks". I don't really think of myself as an uncultured neanderthal, but maybe I am. Is it tacky that I prefer Milkduds over Beluga caviar? I suppose so...heavy sigh...

So, I came across this photo layout of Tilda Swinton in the 2011 August issue of "W". I know, I know...everyone thinks she's a genius and a fashion icon, but shazam, I just don't get it. So, to display my complete and utter uncouthness, I decided to put captions under the pictures...because, well...I just can't seem to help myself. May the farce be with you, Miss Bea

Suffering from a recurring nightmare, Tilda couldn't understand why she kept
dreaming about being eaten alive by a Venus Flytrap.

Screwing her head on straight proved to Tilda
to be a little more challenging than she thought.

In the event that her modeling and acting career bombed,
Tilda kept honing her skills as a major league baseball umpire.

Tilda realized a little too late that 'using your head when kneading dough'
was not actually a literal term.

Having completed her first lesson at Mr. Chen's Karate, Tang and Sushi Bar,
Tilda set out to rid the world of nuclear energy...one Karate chop at a time.

a luscious kind of non-fat butter

2011-07-29T22:55:00.001-04:00

$14 available online August 1st

Butter London is a favorite among nail polish junkies — it was also a Fashion Week muckety-muck showing up on alot of the fall runways. The new jewel-toned fall/winter collection launches August 1st, online. "Bluey" is a silvery peacock blue; "Kneesup" is a rusty, metallic red; "Toff" is a deeper, toned-down take on a dusty rose with more of a matte finish; and "Wallis" is a tarnished olive-gold*. Dare I pay $14 for a bottle of nail polish? Me thinks I may be skipping lunch next week. I love butter, Miss Bea

*Info and picture from NYMag

dear cat deeley

2011-07-29T00:20:00.000-04:00

How in the world does someone who is 5'9", and the size of my little finger, choose to wear a dress that makes her look flat chested and hippy?

Use your loaf woman. There are some things you never do. 1)Never ask your husband if you should buy chocolate, jewelry, shoes or a purse...the answer will always be, "Don't you have a pair of black shoes already?" 2)Never wear a thong if you're planning on going down a slide at the playground...[long story--I won't go into it]. And 3) never, ever, ever wear a dress that has side ruffles protruding from your hips and thighs...even if you barely have hips or thighs!!!

...whoever designed that dress had to be a man.

Styled for Cat Deeley by Miss Bea Heyvin

wacky wonderful helena

2011-07-26T11:14:00.000-04:00

One thing I always gravitate to in people, whether they are famous or regular joe's like me, is their ability to not take themselves too seriously. I had heard that fashion designer Marc Jacobs was using Helena Bonham Carter for his 2011 Fall Ad Campaign, but it wasn't until recently that I actually saw the shots...and I must say...I'm a big fan. Enjoy! Miss Bea

riddle for you

2011-07-20T10:21:00.000-04:00

What do you get when you combine baby oil, 2 tennis balls and a $750 pair of Louboutin's?

Anyone??

"Hi. My name is Serena Williams and today I'd like to show you an easy do-it-yourself-at-home project to enhance your tatas and re-use old tennis balls. Oh...and take a $3,000 outfit and make it look like you spent nothing at all."

...good grief...

warby parker

2011-07-17T01:30:00.000-04:00

So, I am totally in love with this company. I can't believe I just heard of them. Anyway, here's the scoop. Warby Parker is kind of like "Tom's Shoes"...only for eyewear. Get this. Their frames are a flat $95...that includes single vision lenses and free shipping/returns. N-I-N-E-T-E-E F-I-V-E D-O-L-L-A-R-SSSSS!!! That's unheard of! And look how stinking cute they are!!!

I'll take one of each please!

But wait, there's more. For every pair purchased, they give a pair away to folks in underprivileged countries who haven't been able to see clearly their entire lives. How super cool is that???!!

It's a great story and a great product. I love you Warby Parker! MWAH!!! Miss Bea

seems the Queen's knickers are in a knot

2011-07-12T11:43:00.002-04:00

"Following their successful 12-day visit to Canada and the US, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge plan to go "under the radar" to concentrate on Prince William's career with the RAF, a St James's Palace spokesman said as the couple flew home from Los Angeles.

They will take a break from royal duties for the rest of the summer and do no more than one or two engagements a month in the autumn and winter. It was said that they wanted to avoid taking attention away from the Queen and Prince of Wales in the runup to the Queen's diamond jubilee next summer." ~The Guardian

Translation:
I guess the tour was a little "too" successful for the Queen's taste. Talk about a royal shut down. Take a chill pill QE2...the young royals are actually doing you a favor.

BAFTA bravado

2011-07-11T10:17:00.001-04:00

The BAFTA Awards viewing with the royals in LA was an amusing turn of events. At least I found it amusing to see Hollywood celebs clamoring for a ticket to rub shoulders with Kate and William. I guess it just goes to show that no one is immune to being starstruck.

So, I just have to give some props to Nicole Kidman, of whom has made some pretty awful fashion choices as of late. The Elie Saab gown she chose to wear was spot on perfect. The color was gorgeous on her and it was totally appropriate for the occasion. I thought she looked breathtaking.

On the other hand...the reigning poster child of People magazine's most beautiful person in the world decided this Emilio Pucci gown would be the perfect thing to wear to meet the royals.

I seriously don't understand this choice. The cut outs, the color, the fit...it's as if she called Halle Berry and asked to borrow something from her closet. Because heaven knows you want to look like a hoochie mama when you meet the future king of England. Maybe she thought she was going to Queens rather than meeting one. Good grief...use your loaf woman. I think these would have been nice appropriate options...still keeping a little JLo sizzle.

Elie Saab . Pamela Roland . Georges Chakra

And then, much to my chagrin, I have to say that i was a bit disappointed in Kate's gown choice.

Alexander McQueen

It seems she's been wearing alot of boatneck dresses...maybe out of protocol, maybe because she wanted to wear only UK designers, I don't know...but especially when the shoulder is padded, it really doesn't enhance her upper silhouette. Makes her look very flat chested and boxy. Anyway, I would have loved to have seen her in these.

Carmen Marc Valvo

Monique Lhuillier

Elie Saab

royal style for less

2011-07-09T11:45:00.002-04:00

I cannot get enough of Kate Middleton. There. I said it. They say that admitting your problem is the first step toward recovery. I sure hope so cause I feel quite embarrassed about it. Maybe when they go back to England and there aren't pictures everywhere, I might settle down and do some housework rather than stalking them via the internet.

I'm a ridiculous mess!

Anyway, I cannot imagine the stress of having every little thing you wear scrutinized by the entire world. For that matter, having to select a bizillion dresses, most of which you'll never wear again because some snooty fashion editor will call you out on it. I think it was OK Magazine that had a headline like "Kate Wears Same Jeans For 3 Days". Really? Well duh. If I have a favorite pair of jeans, I'll wear them until they can stand in the corner by themselves. For most people, it's not uncommon to wear something more than once. Here's some money OK Magazine, go buy a clue.

And will you all just humor me as I step on this soapbox for just a sec. Pay attention girls...

This is called a half slip. It comes in a variety of lengths, sizes and colors. And this...

...is why you wear a half slip. Although with legs like that, I'd probably be purposefully pulling my dress up over my head in public every chance I could get.

Okay, enough already...if you'd like some royal style, but you don't have a royal budget, here are some less expensive options to consider.

$139 at ModCloth

$34.95 at H&M

$25 at A/Wear

$68 at TopShop

$80 Nude Pumps at Aldo

Pip pip and cheerio Cheeky Monkeys! Miss Bea

LWD

2011-07-07T10:54:00.000-04:00

I'm thinking about getting a little white dress...

I know it's the middle of summer already, but there's still the hottest half to go, right? Retailers are slashing prices on summer, trying to make room for fall merchandise, and honestly, a little white cotton breezy cool dress sounds 'ahhh' to me right now. That and about a gallon of sweet tea and a package of Dove ice cream bars. Here are a few I'm going to check out, and all under $35! Score!!!

Macy's $34.99

Alloy $29.90 (I love this one!)

Alloy $29.90 (I double love this one!)

H&M $34.99

Delia's $19.99

dear julia roberts

2011-07-04T13:03:00.000-04:00

Premier of Larry Crowne

...sigh...

Okay...just a few observations here.

1)Wearing a Gucci pantsuit is not indicative of great fashion sense. Just like buying a membership to a gym does not make me Gisele Bundchen.

2)Unless your lady parts need a good airing out...and even if they do...don't ever stand in public like that again.

3)It's not like someone else chose this profession for you, right? So embrace being a celebrity and look like one. A little bit of glam every once in a while never hurt anyone.

Styled for Julia Roberts by Miss Bea Heyvin

americana

2011-07-02T12:09:00.001-04:00

Happy 4th of July, for all of you in the U.S. Normally I steer clear of anything too blatantly red-white and bluesy. But here are a few fashion finds that I thought were holiday-ish without setting off the cheese-o-meter. Enjoy your fun in the sun and remember to thank someone for the freedom you enjoy! Miss Bea

Patriotic nail colors from $5-$20

Dooney & Bourke Tote $148.50

Birkenstocks $56

Old Navy Tee $5

Asos $32

Keds $40

Old Navy $5

It's Christmas in July...well almost

2011-06-30T09:30:00.001-04:00

I was tooling around on the internet last night and fell into a big vat of woo-hoo!!! at Neiman Marcus' Last Call. If you haven't been formally introduced, this is basically NM's clearance room, except you don't have to wade through piles of mismatched shoes and snarky customers. Big sale right now. 40% off the clearance price...an additional 15% through June 30th...AND, free freekin' shipping! (i just drooled on my keyboard)

Get your charge cards ready ladies, cuz there are deals to be had! Here were just a few of my favs.

Donald Pliner Originally $225, now $75.95

Donald Pliner, Originally $320 now $114.75

LAMB, Originally $395 now $142.29
(I wouldn't actually purchase these as I think the high altitude would probably affect my sinuses)

Miss Sixty, Originally $170 now $60.69

Vera Wang Lavender, Originally $275 now $95.55

Nara, Originally $175, now $52

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!!!

Olyany, Originally $448 now $163.20

Pour la Victoire, Originally $295 now $90.27

Foley & Corinna. Originally $585 now $204

Juicy Couture, Originally $248 now $84.15

I love a good sale, Miss Bea

this is exactly what i'm saying...

2011-06-28T12:04:00.001-04:00

Okay everyone. A little fashion tip from Miss Bea, so listen up...cause I'm not saying this twice. Always, always, always...when wearing something really short or really tight...or in this instance all of the above...always...(did I mention 'always') take a gander at your backside before sashaying out the door. Just to make sure you're leaving a little to the imagination. Comprende vous?

Case in point.

Need I say more?

zheeesh...Miss Bea

GET EXCITED!!!!!

2011-06-27T10:35:00.001-04:00

Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy!

i don't mean to toot my own horn but...

2011-06-23T00:37:00.001-04:00

I spend a ridiculous amount of time goofing around on different design sites on the internet. One of those is Polyvore, a fashion design site, where all sorts of creative fashionistas flock to pull together outfits and enter contests etc. So, I entered a Lancome contest several weeks back. (I have entered a gazillion contests on Polyvore and I never win anything.) But this time, I actually placed in the top 10! I couldn't believe it! So beep beep for me! Miss Bea

Jade Fever by Miss Bea Heyvin

who's turn is it to watch cameron diaz?

2011-06-20T11:16:00.001-04:00

As many of you know, Cameron Diaz has been a regular of mine in the fashion offender file. I feel like she's stuck in a frat-party-style-limbo, and someone needs to help her reinvent herself as she nears the 40 year old mark. I think in every woman's life there comes a day when she realizes, "Hey, I'm not 18 anymore." Like the first time you're in the grocery store checkout line and the bag boy refers to you as "maam" instead of "miss"...and you feel your ovaries get crispy. I'm not saying that Cameron is ready for Naturalizer shoes and Liz Claiborne separates, but I do think it's time to lower the hemlines and start wearing pants that let her lady parts breathe. Can I get an 'Amen'?

I can't remember where I heard this, but it always stuck with me as a really good style tip..."Unless you want to look like a hooker, the higher the hemline, the lower the heel"...ie: the romper set above. I think I could have tolerated that look a little bit more if she had worn a cute flat or an espadrille. But I guess when you're touted as having great gams, you probably always gravitate toward a torturous bunyon busting pump to elongate the leg.

And just a couple comments on hair and makeup...

1)Makeup...wear some.

2)Hair...do something...anything...please.

Just so you don't think I'm always a negative nellie, I did think she looked pretty fantastic in the Berlin black jumpsuit and the London shirt dress. Still youthful and chic, but less sophomoric. Both very nicely styled and appropriate for a 38 year old actress promoting her latest fluff-o summer flick.

A couple design ideas from moi to vous. Miss Bea.

Styled for Cameron Diaz by Miss Bea Heyvin.

big whoopi do

2011-06-16T12:30:00.001-04:00

D'Artagnan. L'etroit Mousquetaire. And Captain Barbossa.

Uhhhh...people in films?

...no...that's not it.

Mmmmm...British men?

...nope.

Hmm...men with large noses?

...no, no...that's not correct either.

OH WAIT! I've got it!
Whoopi Goldberg's fashion muses?

Ding.

Styled for Whoopi Goldberg by Miss Bea Heyvin

The 2011 CMT Music Awards

2011-06-10T10:56:00.002-04:00

I don't know if you know this or not, but celebrities don't have to walk the red carpet at an event. It's not like that's the only entrance into a theater. They can, and many do, make other arrangements...or should I say, "their people" make arrangements for them...and in the case of the next three ladies, I think it would have been in their best interest to have opted out.

I love you Shania Twain...love love love you, but what the heck were you thinking?!!! I know this isn't a major awards show, but it seems to me if you're going to present an award and walk the red carpet, you'd at least amp it up and wear something that didn't make you look like a soccer mom. Hair-ick. Makeup-blah. Shoes-ugh. Dress-potato sack. C'mon...you aren't even trying. I don't like to criticize without giving suggestions, so here are a few things I think would have put the va-va back in your voom.

Monique Lhuillier . Moshino . Pamela Roland

And then we have Nicole Kidman, styled by Stevie Wonder. wha'happened??? It's like a train wreck. You know you should look away, but you just can't help gawking at it. Lord have mercy.

Is it a top? Is it a dress? Did she forget to wear the pants? Did she dress in the dark? Did she let her kid pick out her clothes? Did she think no one would be taking pictures? This one is a real head-scratcher for me. Anyway...hire a stylist Nicole...HIRE A STYLIST!!!

Styled for Nicole Kidman by Miss Bea Heyvin

And finally we come to Kristin Chenoweth...who I thought was a Broadway gal, but I guess everyone is trying country nowadays.

"So how hard could it be," I ask myself, "to write some lyrics for a country song?" Can't be that difficult. So, using Kristin as my muse...here are some working titles. erhummm...

1) Our Love is Like a Window (I've Closed the Curtains of My Heart To You)
2) You May Be a Coaster, But I'm Your Table Runner
3) Bangs for the Bucks (I Got The Big 'ol Forehead Blues)

and finally, as sung to the tune 'Your So Vain' by Carly Simon:

I got veins.

They run across my head like a roadmap.

I got veins.

They run across my head like a roadmap, roadmap, roadmap.

Thankyou very much. I'll be here all week, Miss Bea

CFDA 4COL

2011-06-08T10:32:00.002-04:00

The 2011 CFDA (Council of Fashion Designers of America) Fashion Awards took place last Monday, June 6th in New York. Just my opinion, but I would have to say that the big apple hasn't seen that much crazy since 2005 when the The Ringling Brothers decided to winter over in Hoboken.

...for cryin' outloud, what a cretinous freak show. And this from the people who call the fashion shots for the rest of us...at least for us poor dolts in the U.S. I know, I sound like a broken record, but I just don't get it...I really don't. Is it possible to be creative and not be a loon?

Grace Coddington

...obviously not.

Uhmm, yea Daphne? A little fashion tip from little 'ol me. Just because you own all these designer pieces doesn't mean you should wear them all at the same time. It's called 'editting' darling. Mark that down.

Kudos to Anna Wintour for repurposing grandma's crocheted pot holders.

Hi! I'm Diane Von Furstenberg, President of the CFDA and queen of my own fashion empire. Of all the things I could have worn to this event, my latest creation, inspired by my shower curtain, is what I decided would be perfect.

Nice plug for your new accessory line girls. Very subtle.

Hey Vera? We all get it. You're a minimalist. But, would it kill you to wear just a little mascara and lipgloss? Surprise us next time, m'kay?

For best reenactment of a senior prom, the award goes to...

Hillary Alexander, former fashion director for The Telegraph. I'd like to tatoo "Help Me" on her forehead.

Oh Betsey Johnson...sigh. One thing for sure, at least you're consistent with your design aesthetic. Remind me again...your design aesthetic is...???

For best impersonation of a Kewpie doll...Erin Fetherston.

And the night could not have gotten any more bizarre then by the CFDA awarding Lady Gaga, "Fashion Icon of the Year".

If I remember correctly, the definition of 'icon' is "a person regarded as a representative of a symbol of something".

I'm just taking a broad uneducated guess on this one, but I'm pretty sure this 'icon's' (and I use that term loosely) trend has no chance in H-E-double toothpicks of catching on in the midwest. Not unless you unearth a drywaller/paper hanging nudist colony. Think about it, Miss Bea

where in the world is mondo guerra?

2011-06-07T10:39:00.005-04:00

One of my favorite designers from season 8 of Project Runway was the quirky lovable Mondo Guerra. Rumor has it that both Tim Gunn and Heidi Klum were huge fans and heavily candidated for Mondo to win the whole shebang. But alas, snarky Nina Garcia and her cohort in crime, the 'reservations-for-one-at-the-bitter-bar', Michael Kors, eventually weighed in and swayed the vote toward the yappy boho-blase Gretchen Jones...yawn...zzzzzzzz.

Anyway, I think it was Mondo's use of color and mix of patterns that was so refreshing to me. That coupled with impeccable tailoring and his kind of a new take on retro style, I thought, brought something innovative to the fashion scene. But hey, what do I know...I still believe in granny panties and 'white-out' after Labor Day.

So, I went on a hunt for Mondo and low and behold, found that he's still out there and still stirring up the fashion-pot. His website lovemondotrasho.com has room for improvement, but at least you can see his portfolio and purchase a few items like this cute cute dress for $45.

New York magazine reported recently that he's launching a jewelry line. No firm dates as to when, where, what, but hopefully he'll get picked up by a major retailer and give his design career a kick in the keester.

Photo credit: NY Magazine

Mondo, I wish you all the best. I think you'd be an inspiring creative influence to the currently overtly smug fashion industry. xoxo, Miss Bea

dear estee lauder

2011-06-01T10:39:00.000-04:00

Harper's Bazaar ad June/July 2011

Dear Estee Lauder~

I would like to apply for the position of Executive Creative Director of your prestigious cosmetic empire. I have no experience as a creative director. I have no publishing experience either. The only experience I've ever had with your organization is to spend 5 years behind one of your counters schlepping Youth Dew and Night Repair. However, in my defense...even I know that you never, ever, eh-huh-vur, design a 2 page magazine spread where the magazine's center seam slices through your models face...making her look like a one nostril'd buck toothed rabbit.

If it were me, I'd be taking the cost of a 4 color 2 page spread in Harper's Bazaar out of my creative director's arse.

Reference available upon request, Miss Bea

how do i love thee?

2011-05-30T21:13:00.002-04:00

Oh little white t-shirt, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways...

So I went to the grocery last night, just had a few items to pick up for a Memorial Day cookout. The store I usually go to, in addition to food staples, has a little bit of everything else, including some women's wear basics. I don't know what it is about white t-shirts, but I can't seem to pass them by. I must have at least 10 hanging in my closet right now. Even so, I picked up another one last night...justifying the purchase because...well...can a girl ever have too many little white t-shirts??? I think not! I love you little white t-shirt, xoxo Miss Bea

Some street style white tees...

one for one

2011-05-22T22:32:00.000-04:00

I was shopping through Nordstrom this weekend and I stumbled across TOMS shoes. You may have heard the story already...I know I had, but I've never seen the shoes up close and personal, and I was surprised to see how well made and super cute they are. Anyway, if you don't know about TOMS, in 2006, American Blake Mycoskie befriended children in Argentina and found they had no shoes to protect their feet. Wanting to help, he created TOMS, a company that would match every pair of shoes purchased with a pair of new shoes given to a child in need. One for One. Blake returned to Argentina with a group of family, friends and staff later that year with 10,000 pairs of shoes made possible by TOMS customers.

How cool is that?!!! Shoes range from $48 to $54. Get them online www.toms.com or at Nordstrom. Perfect for summer, yes? I love stuff like this, Miss Bea.

Tiny TOMS for kids $29

dear angelina jolie

2011-05-19T12:14:00.002-04:00

I really hope this blog doesn't offend anyone, so if you are an Angelina Jolie fan, you might want to clean out your purse or hose down the dog instead of perusing this post. That being said, I really do try to be kind most of the time. But when I get a burr under my biscuit about something...well, let's just say I'm about as balky as a half-home mule after plowin' day. The whole "Brangelina-debacle" is still a sore subject with me, and I'm sure it colors my opinions. Not to mention that the entertainment industry seems to think they're all that and a bag of chips and honestly, I just don't get it. THEY-MEMORIZE-LINES-FOR-A-LIVING...big-freegin-whoop-dee-doo. It's not like they invented sugared cereal or disposable diapers.

Anyway, everyone was fawning all over themselves at Cannes when Brad and Angelina made their entrance to promote the movie, "Tree of Life". So if you'll indulge me, let me just point out a couple things.

I seriously wondered how long it would be after the royal wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton that I would see this. "Ding! Johnny, tell the lucky couple what they've won..."

Second, I'm so not in love with this Versace gown! Am I the only one on the planet that thinks it's too prom-esque and ill-fitting? That thing should fit like a second skin across the bodice...to the point that she's sucking on an oxygen tank to get a breath.

And if I can find a similar look for less for online then really, someone needs to either quit selecting their own clothing or "ire-fay their stylist-aye".

$207 at Discount Dress Shop

These are the dresses I would have started with...[I'm especially fond of the Elie Saab]

Monique Lhuillier ~ Elie Saab

Halston ~ Versace Atelier

And then last, but certainly not least...a little bit of wisdom that my second cousin Myrtle May used to say, "What says the most about who you trully are is who you are when no one else is looking."

touche Myrtle May. Miss Bea

dear brad pitt

2011-05-18T22:21:00.001-04:00

Either the Mrs. didn't lay out your clothes this morning, or you escaped from the hotel before she saw what you were wearing. Either way, I can already hear the top popping on a can of whoop a**. Pardonnez mon francais, Miss Bea.

Styled for Brad Pitt by Miss Bea Heyvin

dear johnny depp

2011-05-16T10:25:00.000-04:00

Cannes 2011

Okay...we get it already. You're just too cool to care about your clothes. You're an artist, right? And it's all about being mysterious and a bit quirky...make it look like you're above the hollywood hoopla. Whatever dude. You've become predictable and blase. So do yourself a favor, hire a freekin' stylist already!

Styled for Johnny Depp by Miss Bea Heyvin

bless his heart

2011-05-11T10:40:00.001-04:00

My poor husband. I feel so sorry for him. Over the years we've had multiple skirmishes based on either the giving or not-giving of gifts. He's so traumatized by the whole thing that he breaks out in a sweat whenever a significant gift-giving occasion is on the horizon. Like, for example, our 20th wedding anniversary. We planned a trip to Las Vegas to celebrate. I spent several months shopping for a gift for him and finally settled on a beautiful Catena swiss watch. When the actual day of our anniversary arrived, I presented him with his gift. He blanched white, started to stammer and finally squeaked out the words, "Uh...I thought the trip WAS the gift". I knew at that point that I could either ruin the rest of our get-away by making him pay, or I could get over it, forgive him and move on. So after more than a few tears, I told him, "Okay, from now on, here's the formula...if it ends in a zero or five (meaning 20th anniversary, 25th anniversary etc)...get a BIG gift, comprende?" That's been a running joke with us and anyone who knows us...it's funny now...not so much at the time. Anyway, this past Monday was our 30th wedding anniversary, and I knew the poor guy was probably sweating bullets on what to buy. Most men would have given up by now, but he continues to stay in the game and try, try, try...standing "O" for that, right ladies? Due to some family issues etc, we put off the whole anniversary thing until last night, when with the disclaimer he handed me my gift and said, "Now we can return this if you don't like it", I opened this beautiful hand crafted lampwork bead necklace made by a local artist by the name of Wendy Emery.

Each glass bead is individually hand crafted. Isn't it gorgeous?!!! I just love it. And I love that he picked it out for me. So, job well done Chipper...bless your heart! xoxo2infinity, Miss Bea

A reader writes...

2011-05-05T00:21:00.001-04:00

Dear Miss Bea~

I've been waiting to read your comments on Kate Middleton's wedding gown. Would you be so inclined to share?

~Curious from across the pond

********

Dear Curious~

Your wish...my command.

First of all, let me just say that I thought the bride was exquisite. She exuded confidence, radiated joy...she was captivating and in every sense of the word a royal princess. I couldn't take my eyes off of her.

I am by no means an expert on palace protocol or dress codes within Westminster. But I had to think that behind Kate's dress was a laundry list of do's and don'ts...most likely imposed by both the palace and the Anglican church. That being said, when Princess Diana's wedding gown designers were interviewed, they commented that they received no dress code edics from the palace. I'm not so sure I believe that, especially when I read about the lacework alone for Kate's dress. It clearly made an impression with me that she and designer, Sarah Burton, had an overwhelming amount of things to consider besides just color and style...far beyond what I think they would have thought of unless prompted by an outside influence...aka HRM-QE2...such a cheeky monkey that one.

"The lace applique, which featured the four floral emblems of the UK – rose, thistle, daffodil and shamrock – was made using the Carrickmacross lace-making technique, which originated in Ireland in the 1820s. Part-time needle-workers, aged 19 to 70, laboured tirelessly to complete the order. The process is so time-consuming that it takes even experienced stitchers about an hour to sew an inch. The dedicated embroiderers washed their hands every 30 minutes while making the lace to ensure it was pristine and replaced their needles every three hours to keep them sharp and clean." ~The Daily Reporter UK

Photo credit: Mark Large

In regards to the dress code at Westminster, I found the following pretty interesting:

"It seems that the tradition of hats dates back to the time when the Anglican Church required ladies to keep their heads covered in Church, much like other religions still do to today...Interestingly, there are a few other dress code rules that the Anglican Church no longer insists upon, but since Westminster Abbey (where Will & Catherine exchanged their vows) is like the Father of all Anglican Churches, these rules were adhered to. Sleeves are mandatory – no shoulders or too much chest and arm."

All of that would have made total sense in regards to Kate's dress...but then there's Pippa, her sister...who apparently didn't get the memo.

Photo credit: Reuters

So, back to the original question...Kate's dress was beautiful...totally keeping with her fashion aesthetic of classic simplicity. But honestly, I was a little disappointed. I thought it was middle of the road...which in retrospect, was probably the smartest and safest thing for her to do, but I was hoping for something that really took my breath away and pretty much all it took was a sigh.

I really REALLY love the bridal gown label, Rosa Clara. When I look at their creations, I feel the familiarity of the past with the modernity of today. Exquisite. I would have loved for Kate to have gone more in this direction...had it met all of the (unbeknownst to us), "requirements".

Blessings on Prince William and his lovely bride. They look like they're really in love, and I wish them all the best! Miss Bea

BWAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

2011-05-03T10:45:00.001-04:00

Vogue Editor-in-chief, Anna Wintour and
Editor-at-large (literally), Andre Leon Talley

I'm going to do a more in-depth blog on fashion at the Met Ball, but I just couldn't wait to share this picture. See people? This is why I can't take fashion seriously. More to come, Miss Bea

hat tricks

2011-04-30T22:26:00.001-04:00

I think the Kentucky Derby has alot of catching up to do if they ever want their hat fashion to be taken seriously...especially after the Brits took to the red carpet at the royal wedding yesterday. For all their prim and properness, when it comes to hats, they've got their own kind of crazy going on. Irish milliner, Philip Treacy, made a whopping 36 hats for royal wedding attenders...including that "Big-O-Bow" that Princess Beatrice is wearing.

Now there's something she'll get alot of wear out of...(insert the sound of my eyes rolling to the back of my head) I guess a little bit of negative attention is better than none at all, right?

The other two hats that I thought were a bit wonky were Tara Palmer Tomkinson and Victoria Beckham. I actually don't know if these would be classified as 'hats'...more like forehead barnacles.

For best satellite dish, the standouts for me were Zara Phillips, Sophie Winkleman and Princess Michael of Kent. I would have been super ticked if my seat assignment would have been behind any of these yokels. "Uhmmm yea, I was invited to the royal wedding. Uh, no...no I didn't really see any of it because Lady Whats-her-snuff, seated in front of me, wore a head appendage the size of Pluto...but what I heard of the ceremony was absolutely lovely...the radio reception was quite good actually."

And, my tippy top favorites were:

Of course, QE2...aka Lemon-Go-Lightly

Miriam Gonzalez Durantez

And this enthusiastic onlooker, who just may have a budding millinery career in her near future. Add a pint of Tetley with a mouth hose to that and I think you've got a winner.

the eyes have it

2011-04-29T11:42:00.001-04:00

I'm in the market for a new pair of eyeglasses. I normally wear contacts...which is cool. But I've had my actual eyeglass frames for about 6 years and it's time to move on. Who knew though that I would have to sell a lung to buy a new pair? Sheesh! The multi-focal lenses alone cost $400...and that's not including the frame. Dang! I can buy an iPad for that! I won't be able to see it, but that's not the point.

Anyway, I went to a couple local places to look at frames and...yawn...they are so vanilla. I want something a little more funky and cool...like a piece of art for your face. Know what I mean? So, I went to the internet and found a couple frames I like. Would love to know your thoughts or if you have any other suggestions! ~Miss Bea

Bet Design

Boucheron

face-a-face

Hierro Y Albero

X-ide

Seraphin

Zio

dear beyonce

2011-04-28T09:35:00.001-04:00

Marc Jacobs Fall 2011

Whoa...someone has been watching way too many reruns of Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman. I mean, I applaud you for wearing something more tailored and conservative, but compared to what you usually wear?...yea, I felt like someone had just given my chest a massage with a defibrillator. Yeesh! Give a gal some warning before you dress like that again.

Anyhoo...rather than styling you like an Amish Oompa Loompa, here's what I would suggest next time you step out for Sunday brunch. Oompa loompa doopity doo, Miss Bea

Styled for Beyonce by Miss Bea Heyvin

daisy dukes at Coachella

2011-04-19T22:54:00.003-04:00

I remember my first pair of cutoff jeans. Unfortunately, they were short-lived...no pun intended. I decided that I just couldn't wait until my mother came home...I needed those shorts right now...and really?...how hard could it be to cut my jeans into shorts? So I took a pair of scissors out of the kitchen utensil drawer and started cutting. It didn't occur to me until I tried them on, that I had made a couple strategic errors. First, I had cut them way to short...forgotten about the pocket linings hanging out, and hadn't taken into account that if the edges frayed even a smidge, it would result in my underwear showing...which in my day would have been a horrible gaffe.

Sooooo fast forward 40 years...you can imagine my amusement as I reviewed the street fashion at the 2011 Coachella Music Festival, and saw frame after frame of...you guessed it...my over-zealously trimmed shorts...now a fashion trend.

Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit, I never saw that one comin'.

I think the ankle boots are cool, but, with the ever increasing price of gas, my summer clothing budget is starting to look pretty anemic. I did happen to find a couple pair of cute flat ankle boots that won't break the bank. Gas for my car...or ankle boots? Gas? Boots? I'm thinking I should say "Gas", but I really want to say "Boots". With these, maybe I can have both?

Aren't these super cute? $16.80 at Wet Seal.

Forever 21 $28

Forever 21 $33

Forever 21 $21

And who knows...maybe I'll break out the shears and give the cut-offs another go...mmmmm, or maybe not. My friend Margaret Mary Louise says that if you've worn a trend once, if you're still alive when it comes around again, you probably should pass.

When it comes to Daisy Dukes, I think that might be best...Miss Bea

Forever 21 $20

kobi levi

2011-04-12T11:05:00.001-04:00

If you haven't yet experienced the humorous artistic design of Kobi Levi, well pull on your giggle galoshes and get ready to howl. Graduate of Bezalel Academy of Art & Design, Jerusalem 2001, Kobi works as a freelance designer, specializing in footwear.

"In my artistic footwear design, the shoe is my canvas. The trigger to create a new piece comes when an idea, a concept and/or an image comes to mind. The combination of the image and footwear creates a new hybrid and the design/concept comes to life. The piece is a wearable sculpture. The result is usually humoristic with a unique point of view about footwear. Each piece is hand-made in my studio."

Bubblegum

Market Trolley

Blonde Ambition

Slingshot

Maio

Banana Slippers [get it?...banana...slip-pers...chuckle...]

Slide

I love fashion that makes me laugh...it's good for the 'sole', Miss Bea [aka Can-I-Have-Some-Cheese-On-That?]